Like Throwing Candy at a Baby

"My gay friend Greg who I once made out with just reminded me about the time I threw candy at a baby," Stefanie began.

"There are, like, fourteen things in that sentence that need explaining," I replied.

It's Greg's favorite Awkward Stefanie story. He waits until he's sure she's forgotten about it, then whips it out of his arsenal when it's least expected. It lives up to its hype.

As if giving a musical performance during your middle school years wasn't enough of an adolescent hell. Stefanie was on stage singing Candyman and was, as a clever bit of added kitsch, tossing candy into the crowd. Cute, no?

Stefanie pulled her arm back for another toss, and this time aimed high in order to reach the audience members towards the back of the room. But she misjudged her throw; she mistook distance for strength, and instead of winging the fistful of candy in a graceful arc to the back rows, she lobbed it -- pretty hard -- at the same rows to which she had already served the treats.

And hit a baby. Square in the face. With a Jolly Rancher.

Horrified, Stefanie continued singing, but watched her saving grace unfold before her eyes. The baby's mother only saw the candy's impact upon her offspring's mug and not the source of said candy, and as she whipped her head around in a vain attempt to locate the jagweed twelve-year-old in the crowd around her who would dare such a bold move, Stefanie sighed with relief.

Saved by the bell! And by "bell," I clearly mean "widely accepted assholish tendencies of middle schoolers." Because, really -- who besides Stefanie can chuck a Jolly Rancher at an infant's face and still get exonerated?


The Candyman can.