Death of a Love Fern

"I think Connor's mom hates me," Stefanie began.

"Why?"

"Two reasons. After a particularly rowdy happy hour, I drunk-dialed him at 6:00PM." But as Connor was on the west coast at the time, it was 3:00PM his time. He answered the phone and when it soon became clear that Stefanie was half in the bag, he asked loudly, "Are you drunk? At three-o-clock in the afternoon?" She quickly corrected him and reminded him that it was three hours later on her coast, and that 6:00PM was a much more respectable time of the day to be hitting the bottle, especially when one resides in DC, also known as the Happy Hour Capital of the World. (Which is true. Never has it been so acceptable to be drunk before sundown.) But the damage had already been done. She heard someone in the background on his end say something, and she asked where he was.

"In the car with my family," he answered. Stefanie's heart sank when she realized that he had just asked if she was afternoon-drunk in front of everyone. And their feelings toward Stefanie were already fairly tarnished...

When Connor moved away to college, his mother bought him a potted plant to take with him. A potted plant named Ricky. The gesture was to be symbolic of her presence in his life, or the plant's well-being was to be symbolic of her relationship with her son, or the plant's upkeep was to be symbolic of her nurturing him... Or something. I don't know, I wasn't entirely clear on the plant's symbolism. Suffice it to say: keeping the plant alive and well was extremely important.

And he did keep that plant alive and well, for years. He took care of it through thick and thin. Until one day, he was to go out of town for a bit, and needed someone to take care of it in his absence. He turned to Stefanie.

He attempted to relay the crucial nature of the plant's upkeep, and that she had to keep it alive at all costs. She tried desperately to tell him that although she was great with kids, plants were another story. She begged him not to entrust the plant to her.

"This will not end well, Connor," she told him, but to no avail. He coerced her into agreeing.

While he was gone, she noted that the plant was thriving under her care. Right before he was coming back into town, she noticed that it looked a little sad, so she put it outside to get a little sun. Wrong move.

Connor returned home to find that his plant was dead. Stefanie had killed Ricky, just as she had predicted.

"So now his mother thinks I'm a lush who killed her love fern!" Stefanie sighed. "So awkward."


Indeed. Accidental plantslaughter.